I guess it’s usually a positive thing if you don’t hear from me on this blog.When things isn’t to bad, I don’t always feel the need to write. Not that I haven’t written about positive things 😛 I think!?
I woke up today, and looked at the time and I was like “oh shit”, I had slept for so long..I usually sleep till like 12 or something if I can’t sleep at night, and have no problems with that, some people say that is sleeping your day away, but I don’t care. If I have nothing that needs to be done, who cares. Day is so long anyways if I was to get up at 8 in the morning and just sit there by myself, while everyone is at work, I’d be bored to death.
Today was different. I woke up, looked at the time, realized I had slept for over 9 hours straight, that’s not normal for me, the clock was past 1. I’m in my bed, staring at the clock and phone, thinking “wow it’s late in the day already” and then it hits me in the face like a truck, I have absolutely no fucking reason to get up.There is no reason, to get my feet out of bed and… and what? Nothing… That’s so depressing.
I used to have some sort of reason, like Nemo, or ex. I’d feel like shit otherwise, I’d feel guilt for not getting up, feeling guilt isn’t that fun, but it got me up. Or I had some things I wanted to do, like gaming or had someone I needed to visit or even just going for a walk with Nemo.
I’ve had such mood swings lately, going from being fine to having tears in my eyes. I’ve had panic attacks popping up again, at random times like on the phone. Or just by sitting watching tv. Thankfully small once but not comfortable, and it just feels like a defeat having them.
I get easily frustrated and angry, I can cry from just about anything. I can take offense from absolutely nothing, like jokes or a word, maybe not offense, I don’t know, I just know I get sad so easily.
Also noticed that I am becoming more closed off again, from being so open about my feelings it’s now getting harder and harder to talk about them. I know I scored a bit high on the paranoia charts on my test at the therapist, paranoia in the sense it’s hard to trust people. It’s gone up rather then down. That might have been because I have become more aware of my feelings and what not, who knows. But I am thinking maybe that is why I am withdrawing into my bubble again.
I can live with the feeling of not having anything to get up to, not having a goal right now, that will come I guess. It’s just hard getting those rushes of loneliness. That is what makes me feel so hopeless. I have people to talk to, both IRL and online, sometimes I chose to have conversations and sometimes I don’t. So you could say I have some control of whether to be lonely or not?!
I don’t know. It’s just that I am on my own, and I have never been, alone in this apartment and I feel like no amount of talking will make it better. Even if I do talk I don’t know how to explain how I feel. I just know I am not happy. I can’t say this is why I am feeling this and that way. And that makes people just feel helpless, so it’s just better to shut up.
Good thing for me is that life starts again soon, with work assessment and therapy. Am I looking forward to it? No of course not, but will it be good for me? Probably. I struggle with thinking of the work assessment, I have no idea what I want to do there, they expect me to say I’d like to do this, while I figure out what we can do in the future. But I have no answer for them. I just gotta randomly pick a work place to hang out it.. That’s great!!! No, no it isn’t.
How is it that I cannot find one single thing that I could see myself doing? Just one little thing, teacher? Salesperson? Garbageman? Secretary? Nothing, of all the things out there, not one thing stands out, and there is not one thing I’d like to do. Why is that?
And why is it that I can’t find some joy in thinking about the future? Why can I not shake the bad thoughts off for just a little bit so I can just find one thing that I can possibly do…
I’ve figured out one of the things that makes me hate thinking about going back to therapy and work assessment, and even getting a proper job. It’s stuck from when I was a kid, and I am sure you all are very familiar with the feeling.
You are a kid, you know the clock is closing in on bedtime. And you feel that knot in your stomach. Oh noes, bedtime???
I can’t stand that feeling, because when I go to bed, I know when I wake up the day begins and I have to get out that door. And when I get home, I look at the clock and think, “yep 4 more hours, then I’ll have to sleep, and then it will be that morning again and I have to fight with myself to get out of the door”
We all hated bedtime when we were kids. I had multiple reasons I guess. The fear of getting bullied when I got to school, the fear of leaving the house and safe place, getting homesick day in and day out.
I’ve gotten so accustom to that feeling and it has only grown over the years. It’s so big that it prevents me from doing things. It probably prevents me from actually wanting things and jobs, wishes and goals. Because I can’t stand the feeling, and cannot, I CANNOT stand the idea that I have to feel that way for the rest of my life. The same fucking feeling each night and morning. The desperation that surge through my body, it’s not only anxiety and stress. I just feel so desperate, the fight or flight mode on full throttle. The overload of feelings in this tiny body I have, is freaking moronic. What if an actual threat came to pass me? I’d probably self-destruct and explode into million pieces.