Things have been quiet yet again. You know, like once a day or something, I think “right lets get back to the blog and write something.” But it doesn’t happen, it’s not like I am bored of blogging, quite the opposite. More like I haven’t had it in my lately. My words haven’t managed to piece themselves together to fill out sentences.
I have finished my work assessment, and had a month off now, last week I had a new meeting, and we start up again at 17th of August. This time I will be finding out what kind of jobs that can suit me, over the course of a year with trying out different things. In the end I will either end up with a job, figure out what I want to do, or perhaps starting school, again….
My new group-therapy, that I can go to once a week for like 2 years, sucks. I feel I get absolutely nothing from it, no benefit at all. And I really don’t feel a connection with the 2 therapists that are leading it. I feel like I’m sitting there, getting looks from authority figures that see through you, sometimes even getting that evil eye, or stink eye? 😛 That might not be the actual case, but that is how it feels like.
I sit there, watching the clock, thinking when is this going to end. While before in my two other groups, I was involved, we talked, we cried, we laughed. Now? Why the f*** am I even here. Cause I don’t need it?
I feel I still need it, but I feel I am stuck in a wrong group. It’s summer now though so we don’t start up again till August. I did have a private session with my new therapist, but I don’t feel like we are on the same page yet. I promised her that I will try come to the meetings, and that I will try a bit more after the summer. If not, then I’ll have to find something else. Because I am not feeling I am well enough to cope without some sort of help.
Other note, I’ve been very agitated, irritated and negative lately. I’ve pretty much yelled at whatever comes my way, feels like it anyways. So why am I angry? I don’t know, I usually get this sort of epiphany when I write on the blog, hence me bringing it up. Hmm *looks around*. Nope, no huge revelation popping up.
I did stop with my depression medicine a while back but perhaps I was not ready, so that might be some of the reason. Today has been hard, I’ve had 2 panic attacks, cried a bit and overall feeling pretty hopeless. Some of it might also be tied upto the lack of sleep lately. Sometimes I am lucky if I get 4 hours of sleep. Sometimes I am up 2 days straight cause I can’t get sleep, I get perhaps 30 minutes of sleep during the day. The lack of sleep will make me anxious, I know this. But I don’t understand why I can’t sleep.
When I am like this, a lot of negative thoughts come up, things I don’t want in my head. Sometimes I panic cause I think – for-whatever reason at that point – that I am going to die, so yes I panic. Then when I can calm myself and breath normally – I think, I just want to die.
I am so scared of dying sometimes, that I want to die, how does that even make sense?
It’s not like I am sitting in all the time either, I do try to do stuff now and then. I visit family, I bus down to town, go shopping, I am a damn pro at taking dem buses now yo!!
But I am not well, and it seems people notice, especially my mother because nothing escapes her eyes. She’s telling me to go to the doctors and to go see my therapist, so I guess I am not hiding it as well as I think I am. I don’t hide it that much online, but I try my best to be normal in the “real world”.
Maybe I am lonely, from never being alone, to be 100% alone in my home is a huge difference. Even if it’s gone 6 months now since me and ex split up, I have never lived alone ever. I did have proper sleep when I baby sat my mothers dog, so perhaps I could use some company. But yeah, I am not allowed to have any pets where I live, and I really don’t wanna go through another move, hard enough to get an appartement I can afford, even harder to get one where they allow pets. And since I have such a sweet deal here, it would be sort of dumb moving somewhere I might really dislike.
Well, I don’t know, this too shall pass, as it all does. I just don’t want the feelings to return….Like they always do!
Been thinking about remaking my blog yet again, I think I should start investing more time into my blog again, it did help me a lot for a while, maybe I need it back in my life, this writing?! I did think about getting my own domain – for the second time. But I should really try getting back into this and see if it will be worth it, if I end up only writing one blogpost every other months, there wouldn’t really be a point would it.
I should end with a positive note. I have my eating under control and proud to say I haven’t lost any weight the last 6 months, rather I have gone up 🙂 So go me!!
So, cya when I cya, toodles.