I am not sure if I am ready to write this post yet or not, but I shall try.
Wednesday I went to Eirik (ex) and packed my stuff. The packing in itself went fine, bit stressed out though. Seeing Nemo was great, I got a few tears in my eyes, but was to be expected. What I didn’t expect was how I felt when Eirik got home and I saw him.
It was very overwhelming. It felt safe and familiar, the smell of him, it teared me apart. I managed to hold up, and not cry, even if my voice broke up for a bit. The meet was fine, we were friendly, talking about his work, what he was doing, how I was doing, what I was doing in terms of therapy and work assessment. So we had a good tone, not that I expected otherwise.
I left in a hurry, cause my brother was waiting outside in the car. Drive home was hard and long. And I got home to bro, sat a bit in the livingroom, but ended going into my room and I broke down. Cried and cried.
Yesterday was harder, I got overwhelmed with panic. It was the first time I couldn’t manage sitting alone and cope by myself, so I ran into the livingroom, to my brother and he had to hold me, I was in full panic mode, hyperventilating, crying, shaking, sweating, and I couldn’t stand straight.
I got confused, what have I done, have I fucked up? Have I thrown my whole life away? Is this the right decision? Should I go back and beg on my knees? What should I do? All these thoughts ran through my head. What if I will live with regret for the rest of my life, what if I was where I should be?
I still haven’t managed to answer all these questions, maybe I will never get any answers. All I know is, the visit broke me to pieces and I am still confused.
I was coping pretty well before this, now I am not.
I will try moving today after dinner. And try one night at the apartment, I can always visit bro if I can’t cope yet, his door is always open.
So I will probably write again soon, to keep you updated and to calm myself down with a little bit of blogging.
Until then, have a nice weekend!