To the depths

I say this over and over again, we all have our ups and downs, and while I don’t wait for that downer to come, we all know sometimes they will.

Yesterday was a decent day, I felt I could face things that would come my way, and I probably will manage as well, when things do.

But today is one of the worse days where things are dark, heavy and feels unbearable. It’s like you get caught by a huge wave, dragging you down to the depths of the ocean, and you just can’t swim hard or fast enough to escape it.

Last night I couldn’t sleep, I thought about everything, a million thoughts running through my head. How life is changing, and will never be the same, good and bad, losing the comfort of a safe home, a partner, my companion Nemo, always having support, not having to face things alone.

Losing my therapy group, the people I have bonded with, talking with for the last 5 months, the therapists in that group.

Moving from the town I have lived in, to a new town.

Starting the work assessment with a handler I do not know, a new group of people, whom I most likely will never get to know, because of the short amount of time.

Testing out all the different work places they have, to see what fits, but not being able to stay put.

Changing social workers, so there will be new people to talk with instead of those I had just gotten to know.

I’ve finally gotten used to living at my brother, calling this my new home. Now I gotta move again, and will be longing to get back here as well.

For a person who MUST have stability and routines, this is the heaviest shit I have ever gone through.

Today I am in a total panic, massive head ache, shakes, sweats, pounding heart going at a rapid pace, curled up under my covers crying.

And for people reaching out, they get shit from me, I am angry, even if they try their best. Cause I can’t cope, and I can’t talk, I can’t explain. Hence I am here, writing. Sorting my thoughts. Hoping it will calm me down.

And then there is Nemo, everywhere there are dogs, I see them all over, wagging their tails. Outside the house, on the TV, all over the net. Every dog makes me think of him and I can’t cope. I feel like I am mourning over him. For some it might sound silly, and for some they will totally understand why  I am so emotional. Tomorrow I get to see him for a few hours, but then, I must leave him again. And probably not see him in ages, if ever, only on pictures.

When I talked to my therapist yesterday and he asked me how I was, I said I was fine, I was surprised at how well I had dealt with all of this. We came, or I did anyways, came to the conclusion that I went through the mourning, the grief of the breakup, the life to come, before it all actually happened. That I was coping with all this before christmas, hence I was so sick – not eating, unstable, crying and all that shit then. And now I am recovering, I am dealing and moving on.

But I guess I am not done. Cause today, it’s heavy, and I feel like I want those waves in the big black ocean to just eat me up. But I guess I am not ready for that, since I have some anger inside me, and I assume that is me fighting, instead of giving up.

But even if I am living with family, I have never felt so alone nor can I remember the time I felt so desperate, for what I don’t know, perhaps feeling the waves calm down, to a silent ocean again. I need that to happen soon.


2 thoughts on “To the depths

  1. It’s good to get these frustrations out. When they stay inside in the dark, you can’t see them, but once you talked about them and shine light on them, you can see the problems better and deal with them. It helps me to talk to my brother and most of the times I found the problem wasn’t so big and I could manage it. The rest of the time my brother was there to help me. You’re on the right track and I bet those hands are still reaching out to help you.


  2. Like you said, just because you are recovering doesn’t mean you won’t have massive downers like this. You gotta do what you gotta do to endure it, to weather it until you can breathe again and face the day.

    You can do it.



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