Time for another update ey ? I have been very quiet lately, and I actually did get a mail, wondering how I was holding up.
Well, I can start by saying, on Thursday was my last session in the intensive therapy group. 5 months has passed, and now it’s all over. Originally I was suppose to be in this group for 3 months, but it ended up with 5 months, because I reacted very well to it, and because I am still waiting for another group I am going to join. Still waiting for room, for lil old me.
I had a meeting with NAV (social services thingy) and it was mostly just a meeting, updating them ( as they give me money to survive) and we agreed on a plan for the future.
First I have to attend some meetings, where we figure out what I want to do, what I can do etc. Then we will have to find out where I can actually start with my “work training”. Apparently this assessment of what I can do and what I will fit, would be going on 5 days a week. That won’t work for me, since I currently live up in nowhere land with no buses etc. And I cannot have my brother driving me 40 minutes each day, while sitting there waiting for me till I am done, for so to drive me home. I am not really looking forward to all this, mostly just because of the hassle it will make for my brothers.
I am sure I can deal with all the planning, new people etc, but the thought of me being a burden on someone is something I still cannot cope very well with. My therapist say, “you are not a burden, your brother and his family would not help you if they didn’t want to.”
And yes while that might be correct, I’ve also learned in therapy, that not everyone is able to say no, and they struggle with that. Feeling the burden of always having to say yes, and help out, even if they don’t have the energy and whatnot.
Then there is the thought of finding an apartment. It’s hard, I have no idea of what I am suppose to be paying for rent, what should be included or not. How much can I really afford? Most apartments is around 8k (nok) and I get payed 12k (nok) each month. That leaves 4k for food, and other important things. Which is too low, the minimum is 5k, not included internet, insurances and electricity/water/sewer shit.
And even if the apartment is around 8k, a lot of them have not included electricity and water etc. So these thoughts panic me a lot. To make this decision of renting, when I don’t know how I will do in terms of money. Right now that scares me more, then the thought of being alone. It’s the decision making I dread. What if I fuck up, and it will be all my fault heh. Sounds so stupid.
And another issue is that I need a location that has buses/trains nearby as I don’t have a licence. So those apartments I can afford, they are far out in the middle of nowhere, that wont work.
Yesh, so mostly I am okay, I panic sometimes. I hide a lot in my room. I’ve shut down a bit, like I have closed up my thoughts and fears a bit, and didn’t the last therapy sessions to good use. I don’t wanna look at the future right now, but I don’t want to look at the present either. I don’t want to sit here, and get no where, but I don’t wanna see the future, cause it might have lots of failures.
On the other hand, I am trying, I am trying to find small things I am going to enjoy. Like I can do what I want, I can record, make videos and upload, focus on my channel as much as I want. I can’t do that right now, but in the future I can.
I might find a nice job, make some new friends. That can be nice? I can save up money, maybe go somewhere by myself?
Anyways, I got a nice surprise at my last therapy session, one of the members, one of those I connected very nicely with, he gave me a present.
That is pretty cool! It’s a necklace and it’s from a manga! I’ll leave it to you to guess where it’s from. I loved it anyways, such a cool gift ❤
I will remember my time in the group forever, I learned a lot of valuable lessons – advice – things in general, I met a lot of amazing people, heard many different stories, some very tough, but also some nice. I bonded with people, and they will always be apart of me. Whenever things will get tough, I will try to remember them, thinking they are there with me, cheering for me, backing me up.