I’ve been at my mom’s for a week now. I’ve not written much about it cause that would be unfair.
I’ve had a lot of thoughts lately, about how I can get into a better place in my life. If that would be alone, or just having a break and refresh my batteries, or whatever.
It’s been a long and hard week, some days went okay and fast, but a lot of them was extremely hard.
I’ve had a constant knot in my stomach, my stomach has been a mess. I have had shortness of breath, been fatigue, heart pounding, I’ve cried. But I have been able to eat most days, 3-4 meals even. While not gained any weight, I have been able to eat most of the time. My weight has been closing in on the 30+ kg’s number. That is a scary thought, it’s like I am slowly killing myself by not eating food. I don’t know if I am punishing myself, or if I just don’t eat cause it is a thing I can control, but non the less it’s been scaring me to death that I have not been able to sort this issue.
But it seems by the help of some family I can get a better eating habit. So that has been a plus side.
Negative side, is that I have decided to go live with my brother for a while. He has offered me a bed to sleep in, for as long as I need. He will help me find an apartment, and he and his family will keep me occupied as I will try to get onto my feet. Yes, I’ve decided that I need to be on my own.
My Nemo, my baby that I got when I decided to do something about my depression and anxiety. I’m gonna lose him. And I can’t describe how much that hurts, he’s my everything. And I don’t know how I will cope. I’m crying like a baby as I type this. I feel helpless, I feel lost, l love that little creature so fucking much. I know he will have it better at his dad, but the thought of never being able to cuddle or see him happy, lay on his back in my arms or on my belly. Smelling his silly paws, it’s just heartbreaking.
I’m losing two best friends, 7 years. It’s gonna be a living hell for a while. Even if I made this decision, I am gonna be fucked up for a while. How my blog will turn out, how my vlogging will turn out, I don’t know.
I will try to document as much as I can, cause this is probably the most important and scary step of my life. I have never been alone, been on my own. I have never lived alone. It’s a lot to take in, gonna be a lot to cope with.
But it’s time I start living for me, truly live for me, and focus on me and my life. I honestly believe this is the best solution for my own well being and recovery.