The year 2015!
I had this idea of summing up my year in a post! Thing is, I wouldn’t know what to say.
In many ways, it’s been an eventful year, but on the other hand, not so much actually.
In February I got my economy in order, thank god, and I started my long journey with therapy. It was slow at start, going once a week or every other week or something, just for private sessions. Until March when I started my first group therapy.
Mentalisation Based Therapy. That wasn’t what I’d say a proper group because it was more listening to the therapists with boring facts, but non the less it was a start.
I don’t think it was until September I started with proper therapy, yes it took that long, with lots of easing into therapy with knowing how and why the body reacts to shit. But non the less, the journey started properly! And oh man I am glad I manned up and got started with all this crap.
While I am not a happy lil boo all the time, I am far from the depressed, what is the meaning of life kinda person I once was. I do have bright glimpse of hope, I have dreams, wishes and wants. Something that I did not have before I started the process.
A life without wishes and dreams, that is a dull life. I had thoughts about how life would be for people if I was dead. How would I die, what would be the best way for me to vanish from this planet. While it was only loose thoughts, they were there. And that tells me, that I was in a pretty bad shape, but I was so shut off, I didn’t really realize how shit things were for me.
I was never at any risk, the docs said I had no suicidal risks at all, and I always denied the fact of how black everything was for me. I have never harmed myself, and I will never do. Reason is simple, I can’t hurt my family that much. I can understand that some people can’t find a way out, if you are in that dark place, you feel there is nothing. It’s just a dark whole, with screams around you, and never any calm. But, for me, family is everything, and I know how much they would hurt, if I would ever hurt myself.
So I have come a long way this year, while the ups and down continues, I’m a lot better. If I can dream, I know I will become well.
In my gaming year, I have been bouncing around in most themepark mmo’s there is, from Rift, to Final Fantasy, SWToR, Secret World and many others. I’ve played a shit ton of games, due to me making my youtube channel, and I have had a blast playing them all.
The highlight was for me was replaying Secret of Mana, while I did not finish it due to computer issues, I was very happy when playing it. And all those nostalgia feels, were real. I didn’t ruin the game by re playing it, and that for me, is just fantastic. It truly is a little gem that I love.
I’ve been in a few guild this year in WoW, but thankfully settled now. It took it’s time. About 3 expansions worth 😛 But I found a home, and for that I am also very happy. I have bonded with a few of the players there, which I will be eternally grateful for.
I’ve spent a lot of time on my Youtube channel, it’s been a lot of fun, some stress, some hassle. But most of all, I am very happy I made it. It helped me a lot, it made me less self conscious, it really did. I was so scared, the first time I made a video and a vlog. But now, it’s just lots of fun, even if I am sad at times. I don’t care, I can make videos if I want to, I learned something new, I edit, I record, I talk a foreign language and people can actually see my silly face and hear me talk shit. And it doesn’t bother me that much anymore.
I’ve learned that, while I still care what people think of me, I don’t care that much anymore.
I know if people think bad shit of me, they think so for about 2 seconds and then they move on to something else. Those 2 seconds, they wont hurt me.
The world does not revolve around me, and I’ve stopped assuming that if people are weird, it doesn’t always have to be because of me, there is a lot of other shit going on.
If that stranger look at me, while I walk on the street, and he laughs, well good for him, he got a good laugh, maybe he was on the phone, or maybe he had a nice thought, or perhaps he did laugh of my funny face. But does it matter? No. He laughed, he enjoyed himself, good for him.
Is the woman behind the counter giving me an angry look? Well, okay, I guess she has a bad day, maybe she left for work after an argument. I don’t know, probably nothing to do with me.
All this, might sound normal for a lot of you, that you understand that things aren’t about you. But I have been so insecure that I’ve thought everyone just wanted to vomit around me. But it’s not like that, I get it.
I GET IT OKAY! 😛
So as I said, not the most eventful year, but sort of eventful after all.
Personal growth, it’s important, investing in myself, it’s been the most important thing in my life. So I might say, this has been the most imporant year of my life. A life of changes, a lot of thoughts, digging, feelings.
I have a good feeling about 2016. It can’t be anything but good..
Happy New Year ❤
Thanks so much those of you who pop by, those who comment and those who just linger <3, and those who comes back.
Missy aka Tine.