So I was reading over one of my older posts earlier today, just cause I like to see what’s changing, how I may have changed etc. It’s hard to see changes the second they occur, and sometimes it’s hard to remember how things were. Some time will always help, to see how you have changed, and atm I am really happy that I have actually documented some of my moods.
I was reading a post I wrote one month after I started group therapy ( Shut Down ), and in that post I talked a lot about me having shut down completely, emotionally. I was unable to feel things, I couldn’t cry, I didn’t feel anger and I had no idea what things I should talk about in therapy. I felt that I could not find any past experiences or current experiences that I needed to vent.
At the time it seems I was just very blank and flat. It amazes me now, how incredibly lost I was, how big my walls were, so big that I had ended up like an empty shell.
This last 2-3 weeks so much have happened, I knew that I was changing, but when reading that older post it just struck me how much I have actually changed and opened up.
I have always felt that I was an open person, and perhaps I have been. I’ve never thought I had these huge brick walls around me, not until now. I have shut off so much, I have blanked out so many memories, I have imagined myself that so many of my experiences when I was younger, was normal experiences, but they weren’t.
Last week in therapy I was angry, I was frustrated, I cried multiple times. These are emotions I had turned off.
I said in therapy, that I had lost my inner warrior (yes that’s what I called it, OKAAAY) I used to stand up for myself, I stood up for others, fought for them, and protected them and myself. I had lost that, but this week, I found her again, she is inside me, fighting her way out. Brick by brick, one word at a time, one emotion at a time.
And this, this is making me so fucking happy! Yes I swore, cause it’s amazing, I have missed her, I love her, and it’s really waking me up.
I feel like I am coming back, that I might be… uhm reborn into something better then ever. Yes I’m talking like I’m in a movie, and that’s cool, cause this feeling, these emotions, they are feeling pretty epic right now..
Look at me, sounds like I’m on a high… trololol… Well maybe I am, or maybe this is what happiness really feels like? I dunno, I just hope I can remember this feeling, and that I will know how to access it when I need it.
I am extremely happy that I was slightly narcissistic and re-read that post, it made me feel so proud and so happy.
Thank you all so much for your support, you are wonderful people ❤
Tomorrow I am posting a silly vlog, from the silly Mojo, so those who like that kinda thing, stay tuned.
Lots of love
Missy aka Tine.