Allowing myself to fantasize

God it was freezing when I got up today, I really didn’t want to go out the door and to my drawing session – therapy thing.

Yep, this was me freezing my ass off at 08.00 o’clock this morning, feeling sorry for myself.

Anyways, even if I am stuck in a roller-coaster of feelings at the moment, I had a nice time in therapy today. The group was super small, only 2 people showed up, me and a bit newer guy, who joined 2 weeks ago.

Very typical as we had a group task today, BUT we were up for it anyways. The theme was Christmas, and as we all know, that is a season with a lot of mixed feelings around it. Some love it, some hate it. I used to love it, but the last few years I have started to dread and really hate it.

We decided that together we would paint a huge Christmas tree, one half each. I chose a more darker color green, while my “partner” chose a light green.

We made some decorations with some paper, and ended up painting a little figurine each, of small santa kids with big hats. His was blue, and mine was red.


I know, best paint job ever… Maybe I can make it hollow, and use it as a nasal spray kind of thing..


I dunno why I even wrote that, and took that sexy picture, but I was feeling up for it. So now your eyes are burned, call it my xmas gift to you all!

Our other task of the day, was to write a note to the group. About how you feel about the group, what they have given you, what you give to them.

It wasn’t hard note to write, I was especially happy that the person who was there today, was exactly him. On Monday he helped me realize something I have hidden away in a locked up dungeon, and I started to open up, cry and share.

It’s not something I will share here, at this time, maybe at a later date. Anyways the note was simple.

Thank you all for the support, for listening and for treating me like an equal, making me feel worthy. I feel that I also contribute with being an active member, giving feedback and advice.

I also want to thank todays group – which was only me and this man, for a nice day. I want to thank you for our last session, where you helped me open up and open some doors that has been locked up for a very long time.

I ended the session by telling him that he was the perfect member to come into the group, for me. He was exactly what I needed.

That might be hard and awkward to hear for a new person, but I felt it was important for me to say for my own sake.

One thing that struck me, when looking at our tree that was hanging on the wall, was that I only see it for what it is. A drawing that could have been better. But the therapists are very good at seeing things we might not see.

The tree had two colors, a light and a dark color. If you really looked at it, it seemed like the tree had a sunny side, and a shadowy side. The sun was shining at our tree, and it was really nice to get to see that. It went from being a boring tree, to be a lively tree with a lot of meaning.

The tree ended up having 6 decorations, the group as a whole is 6 members.

In the middle where the colors met, there was a path up to our star, with one decoration in the middle, climbing it’s way to the top. Call that decoration and energy or a soul.

What I learned from this is, we are allowed to fantasize about things. We need to try and look at things from different perspectives, things aren’t always as they seem. The tree was just a tree, until you opened up your mind, allowed yourself to fantasize and see something more.

That is something I need to practice more on, fantasizing, allowing myself to have more dreams, allowing myself to be selfish and take care of my self. There is nothing more important then your own happiness, doesn’t matter how happy people are around you, if you cannot be happy yourself. We got this one life, I need to stop living for others, and start living for me.

It was a good day, and for 2 hours, I felt happy, and I felt some Christmas feels.

I will remember this day for a long time. A fond memory 🙂


That’s it folks. Sorry if I made you fall asleep. Actually no, not sorry!



4 thoughts on “Allowing myself to fantasize

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