Last time I wrote a post I had been feeling like hell. But was on my way to feeling a bit better while writing the post. And after it was written and I got up the morning after, I was in a wonderful mood.
I get reminded how good it is for me to blog, although I sometimes forget. So I have decided, tonight I need to write something again.
Before I started therapy I was so scared of what others thought of me, so scared that I was often a very suspicious person. Thinking, I know what you are thinking about me right now, you think I am irritating, you think I am horrible, so boring, your face, your teeth, please get away from me, you smell.
That is what I went around thinking every time I met people I didn’t trust. And I have told you that before, and the next bit I am going to write. During my time in therapy I have realized, I have absolutely no idea what people around me think. Do they even think of me at all? Are they just thinking about themselves ? Probably, they think a little bit of both. If they think good things or bad things, I have no idea. And for a while I have been okay with it. Who cares…
I have been thinking, yeah I don’t know shit. Why assume? Nah there is no idea for me to even assume. So I didn’t. I was me, people were people. And that was okay.
In therapy I feel completely safe. I know everyone around are too busy analyzing their own shit, that they don’t sit there and judge me. They are there to deal with their issues, and perhaps learn to cope from each other. They don’t care how I look, or what I say, they are just happy I say something so they can be quiet.
What’s my point with all this writing? I have absolutely no idea, but something has been bugging me today.
I got angry for the first time in months, like ANGRY not irritated. My emotions are usually very flat, as a lot people on anti depressant knows a little about.
Why I was upset is not something I’d like to share, but it wasn’t really a big deal either. But non the less, I got mad. And that is okay, it’s a relief perhaps, I felt something other then fear. But I think the anger came from fear, the fear of being let down, the fear that I have decided to trust someone who I can’t trust or shouldn’t?
I have chosen to try and make friends, over the internet, and hopefully through therapy. It’s not that often it happens, like a real friendship. Someone I share stuff with, and I’m genuinely happy to speak with. Someone I can joke around with, and just write whatever comes to mind with. Someone to connect with.
I got mad that I had chosen to try and make friends, and perhaps it was the wrong decision, or that I tried making friends to soon or misjudged the friendship, perhaps I bonded more then I should have, or that the sense of friendship was not viewed in the same way back to me.
I am not sure that all makes sense. But for a while I didn’t care what others thought of me, they could think what they wanted, cause I had people around me that I was safe with no matter what.
I was beginning to think, “hey I have been wrong all along, I can have friends, people do like me”. But perhaps, I have been right all along. That I have the need to be suspicious and protect myself. Perhaps I am an asshat, and I do bug people. Perhaps, I am unable to make friends anymore, because if I have a friend or two, someone will get mad at me for having the wrong friends, or because people actually fake wanting to be my friend for the sake of pleasing others. See, there I am, suspicious again, judging. What the hell, I DON’T KNOW WHAT OTHERS ARE THINKING. But for the love of cheese, don’t look so damn suspicious people 😛
The logical side of me is telling me, it’s has absolutely nothing to do with me, people have their own issues to deal with. The world does not revolve around you, not one bit. But you know the other side, it “understands” that it must have something to do with me, I KNOW IT!
It’s hard to make friends, I am not sure how to do it. All I know is, I am suspicious again. It takes a 100 positives to believe in something good, but only one negative to tear it all down.
On the plus side heh, let’s end this in a positive ey???? In therapy this week I got told I had been a good influence on my group, by the group members themselves. They told me I had made it easier for them to open up, they looked upon me as the “commander”. They felt I brought a lot to the group. One of the newest member was very thankful, cause he felt very strongly that I had helped him a lot. That was a huge compliment, and that made me very proud of myself, and very proud of them for having the guts to hand out such nice words.
So I guess, after some blogging and thinking, some people will like me, some will not. That I knew, perhaps there is hope for me yet, even though some of my progress got butchered today, I am stronger then ever, cause I know I have made the life of some people easier, just for being me 🙂