You know what’s great about having a blog? That you can write what you like and no one can do anything about it.
This week has been such a hard week, I have had one of my downer weeks again. It’s been a long hard week, with barely any sleep because I just can’t sleep because of worries, and not being able to eat. I am in shock that my body is still working. Well barely. I have been extremely tired and had a loss of energy. I haven’t been able to get my self to therapy either because I have been so exhausted.
I have been filled with a sense of panic, while not having panic attacks. Feeling the hopelessness taking over, and I have had no control.
I even had an extra private session of therapy scheduled, but I had to call and cancel that as well. But I did talk to my therapist, he was worried because I had not been there. And I explained to him how I was feeling and such. He suggested I actually should stop taking half of my depression medicine, because he thought it had a negative effect on me in terms of the lust for food. And since I have been dissy and feeling sick, perhaps low blood-pressure it was also an idea. So that’s what I did, and how that will go time can only show.
He also thought that I had way to big expectations to myself, and while I didn’t think so at the time, I think he is right. I have bitten over a lot more then I can chew in terms of how well I have thought I would become over the time I have been to therapy. I have stopped taking the anxiety medicine every time I have felt overwhelmed because I thought I had gotten past those medicine. But I think now, that I was wrong.
Yes I have improved, but that doesn’t mean I have to cut out all help – like medicine to dampen my panic. I just need to take smaller steps, and realize that it’s okay that this is taking time, and even if I feel well for a period of time, doesn’t mean I am 100% well.
It’s a long journey and for a time I thought I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, but this week that tunnel went dark. And when it went dark, I started to panic, the uneasy feeling inside, unable to sleep, not eating, it’s all because I freaked out. That is what I think now anyways. I could not see this as the week passed, but I do think that this is what happened to me.
So perhaps, the tunnel is suppose to become dark sometimes, and that that is okay! It doesn’t mean there is no way out, it just means that it will have a new chance to open again with an even brighter light. Right? Yes, yes I think so. I truly hope so.
On top of this I have also been judging and beating myself up because I haven’t gone to therapy this week. And you know what my therapist gave me as a task? Go to the mailbox, that was all, that was the only task he gave me. And you know, my expectations is – going out, being social, taking the buss alone, eating out, cleaning the house, do all the dishes, clean all the clothes, get ready for xmas, and doing something all the time. But that isn’t realistic.
And when I think about it now, that his task was such a small thing, I see now that I truly give myself to big of a task and it all have given me some perspective, at least for now! 😉
I need to get back to the smaller tasks, easier tasks, then if I fail, my fall wont be as hard.
So from this week, I have learned something valuable.
Thank you 🙂