It’s been an exhausting week for me. Three of the veterans in my therapy group had their last week in our group, and we spent this week saying goodbye. Talking about subjects like closure/saying our good byes and new journeys.
I did not realize how much energy the therapy would drain, and I had no idea that saying goodbye to these people would have such an effect on me. I have only been in the group for 4 weeks, but these 3 people were sort of the core of the group. They have been there the longest, so they were the people who talked and shared the most, cause they were the people who had come the furthest.
The group has very lovely people, and my heart always goes out to them when they share. I have become very attached to the people who left yesterday, and it’s sad that I will never see them again, never know how things have gone for them. I will miss them.
While I can quickly get attached to people, I am also very quick to push people away after some time. It’s a defense, I push them away before they get the chance to push me away. Even if that is not something people will do, that is what I am scared off.
I am hoping the therapy can help me change this, I mean I have not made a new friend in years, not through work or other things in real life. I have pushed away the few friends I had also. So now I am pretty much alone.
I enjoy my own company and have been okay being friends with my self. But sometimes I miss having a girl-friend, who I can talk to about anything, just watch a movie with, grab a coffee, a friend who will hug me when I am sad, a friend I can help when she is sad. I miss input from having a friend that is a girl.
The issue I am having with therapy right now, is that I don’t know what to share. I don’t know whats in the core, that makes me anxious, that makes me “sick”. I have no emotions to talk about from the past.
I see people talk about difficult things, they cry, they have a hard time. While I am completely shut off. I have no emotions sitting there when it comes to my own issues.
I can sit there and listen to others, and feel sadness for them, I want to hug them, I want to tell them how awesome they are. But when it comes to me, I don’t know what to say. I have touched the issue about pushing people away, and it brought me no emotions what so ever. It’s like I just sit there and talk and feel nothing.
Last time I cried was the time I heard my brother might be seriously sick, a cyst in his back, and perhaps something in his brain. I cried 4-5 tears and that was came out. Thankfully he was not sick, but I didn’t manage to cry properly for him. I shut off, and had panic attacks instead. That was my body saying I needed to react, that I can’t shut down like that.
I used to cry very often, I had no problems showing emotions. I cried, I was furios, emotions just poured out. But something has chanced. I know my anti depression medicine is contributing to me feeling flat, but I find it hard to believe it can shut me totally off?!
And I must have some issues I need to talk about, else I would not be sick? I would not be there if I wasn’t needing a good “house cleaning”.
Going to therapy three times a week feels like a fulltime job. I thought it would be okay, three days is nothing. But the therapy never stops, it just goes on and on when I come home. I think about the session and the things that have been said for hours. I lie in bed trying to sleep but thoughts just bombard me. There is tons of impressions after the session and it takes a full day before I can relax again. Perhaps that is therapy for me, the aftermath of a session, instead of the session it self. But I really wish I could put the time I was there. to more good use and really get issues out.
But I am not sure what those even are anymore.
Non the less, my anxiety is better. I can see improvements, so some of the therapy is working. Sitting in a group, giving feedback, having the spot light on me sometimes, it feels okay. It’s not that scary.