The Frustration

I’m so freaking tired you know? The ups and downs, the thoughts of thinking everything is going to be okay, that life will find a way and things will get better. That there is light at the end of the tunnel, that there is a way out of this mess.

I am now just a very angry person, filled with frustration. I’m a lazy individual that finds her self useless. I thought things would get better, and for a while it felt like it. But sometimes I just feel like I am lying to myself, and that this is no use whatsoever. I am frustrated.

I am at a point, where I might not be able to even take care of myself. I hardly eat, I can’t be arsed. I might eat two meals a day, puny tiny meals, a slice of bread and half a dinner. My house is a mess, I wont let anyone in, I am ashamed.

I don’t bother texting people back if they try to talk to me, I ignore them. Often I can’t even be arsed to give my bf a message I got, that might have been for him. Opening my mouth and saying a few words sometimes, is too much of an effort. I get so worried that I have just become a lazy person, blaming it on depression. That I am not depressed anymore, I am just lazy, I am a waste of space and air. How am I suppose to fix this, is it a matter of lack of strength or willpower? Don’t I have that inside me?

My nights are filled with dreams, dreams of screaming. All I dream of is arguments with people. Before it used to be about dying, getting killed, at least that is over. But now… just screaming, pushing people away, standing there alone in the end. I wake up tired, soaked in sweat, head banging, running around with a headache half of the day. Staring at the floor, or at the wall.

I am suppose to be “well or normal” in January, my therapy is suppose to be over. I can’t really see that I can get that far in such a short amount of time.

I don’t know what to do right now, it’s all just feeling so meaningless. What’s the point, I am even whining to you now. Not only am I a burden to those around me in RL, but also a burden in the other “world” called the internet.

I’m sick and tired. It’s getting harder and harder to get through the day, and I am suppose to be on the recovery. I am at a loss.

All I just want to say is, Fuck this shit.

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15 thoughts on “The Frustration

  1. Dont be afraid to contact lifeline or similar support networks. You aren’t alone and what you are describing sounds like what I’ve been thru with depression. This is a medical condition and somethings can trigger it into a deep cycle.

    Am about if you want to chat – just know that you have people that love and care for you and think the world is a much more awesome place with you about in their lives! (Who else is going to read my blog and like my art!!)

    Loves, hugs and all the thoughts with you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree work Mel – what you describe sounds a lot like depression and laziness doesn’t come into it. Best thing I did was realise it was depression and get some help – hard at the time but saved my life and relationship xxx

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      1. Yeah I know I have depression, just sometimes I have a hard time figuring out what is what of emotions and feelings. I have a meeting tomorrow, so that will probably help. Thanks for sharing šŸ™‚

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Listen to Mel, he is right. U need to take medication I think. Like lithium, not only therapy… but u need someone to speak for you, as u are too depressed to be able to right now. Dont give up. U need to see yourself as a fighter, like your chars. Huggies ā¤

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    1. Thanks Xannie, I am on medication, escitalopram. It’s for depression and anxiety which I take every day. And some other meds I can take against panic. Sometimes the depression just goes deeper then other times. A talk with the therapist might help tomorrow. And I shall fight like I do ingame ā¤

      Liked by 2 people

  3. What you are describing is definitely not “just lazy”. I’ve been there too, and I have good news and bad news for you. Bad news: getting treatment doesn’t mean a quick recovery. Sometimes you have to go through several meds until you find one that works (and some of them may make things worse). Then the one you are taking may just stop working and you will need to find a new one again. Brain: so complicated. Good news: not seeing progress doesn’t mean you are not sick, just [insert every insult a person with depression typically throws at themselves]. It is a condition, it is treatable, and you will get better. I know it must sound like empty cheerful b/s, but you know what? “I am an awful person” – that’s not true, you are feeling this way because of depression. “It will always be like this” – that’s not true, you are feeling this way because of depression. It doesn’t mean you are at fault for feeling this and you should stop (emotions don’t work that way), just know you are feeling like this because some stupid brain chemistry, not because it’s true. Hugs and support.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, it’s doesn’t feel like empty cheerful bs!! Of course it doesn’t. The logical person in me understand that I will get through this, that this is just some unbalance in my brain. And most of the time I deal with it. And you who have been here, knows that there is those damn ups and downs with depression. I am at that down right now, but it will pass. It’s just so hard when it hits you in the face, you know. Anyways, I have an appointment today, and I am positive that will help a bit, to get back on my feet šŸ™‚ Thank you for the support, it means a lot.

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