I’m so freaking tired you know? The ups and downs, the thoughts of thinking everything is going to be okay, that life will find a way and things will get better. That there is light at the end of the tunnel, that there is a way out of this mess.
I am now just a very angry person, filled with frustration. I’m a lazy individual that finds her self useless. I thought things would get better, and for a while it felt like it. But sometimes I just feel like I am lying to myself, and that this is no use whatsoever. I am frustrated.
I am at a point, where I might not be able to even take care of myself. I hardly eat, I can’t be arsed. I might eat two meals a day, puny tiny meals, a slice of bread and half a dinner. My house is a mess, I wont let anyone in, I am ashamed.
I don’t bother texting people back if they try to talk to me, I ignore them. Often I can’t even be arsed to give my bf a message I got, that might have been for him. Opening my mouth and saying a few words sometimes, is too much of an effort. I get so worried that I have just become a lazy person, blaming it on depression. That I am not depressed anymore, I am just lazy, I am a waste of space and air. How am I suppose to fix this, is it a matter of lack of strength or willpower? Don’t I have that inside me?
My nights are filled with dreams, dreams of screaming. All I dream of is arguments with people. Before it used to be about dying, getting killed, at least that is over. But now… just screaming, pushing people away, standing there alone in the end. I wake up tired, soaked in sweat, head banging, running around with a headache half of the day. Staring at the floor, or at the wall.
I am suppose to be “well or normal” in January, my therapy is suppose to be over. I can’t really see that I can get that far in such a short amount of time.
I don’t know what to do right now, it’s all just feeling so meaningless. What’s the point, I am even whining to you now. Not only am I a burden to those around me in RL, but also a burden in the other “world” called the internet.
I’m sick and tired. It’s getting harder and harder to get through the day, and I am suppose to be on the recovery. I am at a loss.
All I just want to say is, Fuck this shit.