Day 14 of Blaugust
What is Blaugust? Check it at Bel‘s blog
Alright before you read, I am actually feeling a lot better. I wrote this last night, and I was here to bin it now, but I am deciding to post it anyways. It helped writing it, things are looking brighter today.
I told myself I wasn’t going to have any personal posts in a while, because I kind of want to get rid of that negative side of me, the anxiety and the depression. I don’t want my blog to be that place anymore, I want it to be an anxiety free place, where it’s all about fun and things I enjoy. I don’t want to be recognized as being the anxious whiny person.
But here I am today writing about it again, I just feel I need to get my thoughts out, so they aren’t stuck swirling around again and again for 5 days.
It’s mid August, and summertime is coming to an end. Which means life will go back to normal. For me that will be going back to therapy. This time with three sessions a week.
I am starting to feel the anxiety coming creeping back because of this, I hate that we had to have a break during summer. Ruining the comfort of my routines. It was fine when I was there before summer, I had a routine, I was going each week and there was no going past it. I just had to. And when it became a habit, like going to work, I was fine with it.
But now with a break since early June, I have had a lot of time doing nothing in particular. It feels like I have to start from scratch again.
I know it will be good to get back into the therapy, it’s just that dreaded waiting part now that is killing me. Knowing the day will come closer and closer, where I enter in a new group with not only 1 day, but 3 days a week. But I haven’t heard from them yet, so I don’t even know which day we start, all I know is that it was going to be around the 18th. So I am waiting for that phone call as well.
I feel my mood has become worse, I am easily annoyed, I am often very tired and want to go to bed at 8 oclock, but I don’t because my other half says “but it’s just 8 o’clock”. So I stay up, and ending up staying up till the middle of the night instead.
Then when morning comes, I don’t want to get up, having the alarm clock set on a reasonable time, but not able to get up.
It’s usually around 12.30 at least before I manage to drag my ass out of the bed.
However, I am trying to change this slowly now, getting up before 12, slowly shift back into a more normal routine over the next week. I can’t go back into therapy at 10 o’clock with only 5 hours of sleep. I need to be awake and pay attention.
I barely talk these days, I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to listen to people talk, I just want peace and quiet, silence. I just scream inside my head when people talk to me, wanting them to just be quiet. It’s not them, it’s me. I am just super irritated. I guess this is a mix of me being very tense, filling up that anxiety bar. And that feeling of being useless. Why speak when I have nothing to contribute with.
There is one thing that I will be looking forward too when I get back into therapy, and that is painting. It might sound really weird, but one day a week we are going to use paint/drawing as therapy. We are going to draw how we feel. Some of us have a hard time expression feelings, so we take use of other means to communicate. While I can talk about most things, there are probably some things I need to get out, things I don’t talk about to anyone. So I am excited to see what kind of emotions I put onto my paintings.
At least I can feel a bit of that excitement. So it’s not all gloomy.
And I am excited about my blog and blaugust. It’s been helping me keep busy, setting goals, having something to do that I feel is fun.
I’ve been trying to draw for a few days, but all just comes out as shit. Maybe I am just uninspired at the moment, and it comes out on to the paper. Cause I feel like all that I have learned has just vanished. I can’t even draw a circle for a damn head.
So I hope that after I have written this post, I will start to feel a bit better as I have thrown the thoughts out of my head, and they can now live on this black page in white letters. May they stay there and never return.
I just have to remember how far I have come in a year. I do see a lot of improvements, I have to acknowledge that and give myself a pat on the back. I remember my first day going to meet with the therapist, sweating buckets, my pulse up to over 115, by just sitting still at home waiting to leave. Having all those issues with breathing and not calming down until I was about to go home again an hour later. It was hell, and I am sure, I am positive, this wont happen this time around. Yes, I have to remember that, improvement.