I went to Nav (norwegian labour and welfare administraion) on Wednesday. This is where I get my support financially, and this is where I will get my support after I am done with my therapy. They will give me a spot into a group that we find fitting where we work, but it is fitted for people like me.
We can do things outdoor, tend to animal and good old fashion labour work.
We set up a plan, that I would not need to contact them until January next year, so until then I am officially “sick”.
What we intend to do when the time comes is to give me something to do, with routines, a secure setting, a place to feel safe and the opportunity to surround myself with people like me. We will learn from each other, grow with each other and learn to be a part of the society around us.
I am looking forward to this.
The keywords that makes me look forward to this is routines and a secure environment. A set schedule, no sudden changes. I hate it, it scares the living crap out of me.
Every time something new happens at DPS, where I go to therapy, I get explained and shown every room we are going to enter the next time I visit. This ensures that I will get to the right place at the right time, and stops my worries. I don’t have to use an entire week worrying about being at the right spot. “Am I at the right place? What if this isn’t where I am suppose to be? Do I need to talk to someone I don’t know, do I need to ask for directions? Oh my god, what if I show of at the wrong day?” Thoughts spin out of control to weird places and I start with scenarios not likely to happen.
Yes this is what goes through my head, if I don’t know what’s going to happen, if I don’t feel save and secure about events.
With DPS and this group I will attend, I will always have a “to go to” person around me, who understands me, will help me and don’t look at me strangely because I am insecure and asks about every small thing so I don’t do them wrong.
I will have a “companion” for bus rides if I need that, and I will be totally safe.
Why am I writing all of this ?
Well this is who I am. All the things that are happening in my real life is real. I am stuck at home, even though I try my best to live life, I am a scared person, I need routines and schedules with a lot of things.
I react maybe differently then others to certain events, discussions and what not because I am burdened by this anxiety. It’s stuck inside me, and it controls me a lot of the time. Which means I hardly speak up, on rare occasions I do, and people misunderstand me. Think I am overreacting or just plain out mad. I have a hard time explaining how I feel, which is why I am at DPS in the first place to learn how to talk about feelings.
I often don’t get bound to things or people. But when I feel safe, I get really attached and I hold on for dear life. I am not a stalker lol, although it almost sounds like it now….
but there are select few people out in the world that I get attached to.
This might be the cause of why I have guild hopped so many times in my mmo gaming time. Because the second I don’t feel safe or maybe not wanted, I run off with my tail between my legs and forget about the place I was. It’s better to run off, then stick it out and see that there might be a place there for me after all, it’s just me being more scared of the negative then, maybe the positive that can come.
Same with work, relationships, friendships, the thought that I might succeed in something.
I truly belive that I cannot succeed in anything.
Sometimes I lie to myself and everyone else and say: SURE I CAN!
Flat out lies…